Something

IMG-20150717-WA0009“He was a mystery I couldn’t seem to solve. It was as if, I was being pulled by him but then, he kept cutting the string off. He kept cutting it and I made a new string. There was something very abrupt about everything he did. He looked at me in a way that would make anyone think he had something to tell me, but then he would look away as though he’s never seen me before. Or as though he passes by me everyday. Like graffiti on a wall that you indulge in for a day or two, but after a few days it’s just one of those things that you pass by everyday. For starters, I knew there was something between us. Something unsaid. Some un-happened outburst. Some beautiful mistake. I would wait everyday, to see if today was the day he would say something. But he never said anything. Ever.
When he would walk by me, I slowed down time in my head. My footsteps were slower, my heartbeat was slower and my thoughts too. And there was silence, so much so that I could hear nothing but a quiver throughout my body. Or through-in.
And I was ready to go on without saying something. Ready to live in the feeling of a quiver. It was the buzz in my life, no external addictions necessary. This was something.”

 Courtesy: AJ Aaron

-Fa

Girl with the Golden Heart- 2

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“She had a spark.
Her eyes spoke, when she didn’t.
Her smile made them smile.
Her laugh reminded them why they lived.
She was the life.
She was the joy.
She was the art,
Among the coy.
She was like water.
She was like air.
Like a frosty breeze
blowing your hair.
She was different.
She made the mark.
She had a spark,

She had a spark.”

-Fa

Girl with the Golden Heart- 1

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“The girl with a burning fire. She was the fire.
She never made an entry, she started the show.
She never seem to scream, oh; but she roared.
She was the light, away from the flow.
She was the one they wanted to follow.
Head straight, no fear.
There was just no looking back from here.”

-Fa

Death Diaries

There’s still an uneasy feeling about the whole thing. How is it going to be complete without you? We were always 8. The four of us and the four of you. And now we’re seven.

I have shed tears, a lot. My eyes fill up even as I write this now but you know these tears are triggered only by this one line that keeps playing in my head- ‘You are no more.’ But this doesn’t make sense if I really think about it. You are now more than what you ever wanted to be. You are free, you are free from the suffering. And I am glad. We all are. Everyone who loves you, everyone who has ever thought of you as the good person that you were.

I didn’t get so say goodbye. So this is how I planned to do it.
I always thought that when you grew up, I would be the sister you’d be sharing things with, telling me about all your hot crushes. But I guess not this time.
I will remember the games we played together on your PS2, I will remember your grumpy face on Raksha Bandhan as we all took free kisses, I will remember how I accidentally tripped you once and you cried, and I felt horrible (sorry about that though) and most of all I will remember all the times we laughed and had happy moments.
I remember you as the loved brother amongst all his sisters.

We love you little one.  We know you are safe, sound, peaceful and most of all happy. And we wish with all our hearts that you stay like that.

Just being

DSC04171A very cliched post right before Valentine’s day, and why not, inspiration is everywhere  😉

Love. What would we know about love you ask? ‘This young useless generation’ always taking life easy, not serious about anything, always confused and fickle.

Well, yes. We take it easy. What has anyone achieved by taking life too hard anyway? Yes we’re not serious about a few things. We have a sense of humour. Confused and fickle, let me add, experimenting, trying new things,  reaching new heights and what not. There are so many good things to the generation but sometimes people refuse to look at. And one of them is love. Our definition of love, its different. It ought to be, we bring in the new. And today I portray to you something I call love. Being. Being is love. Being is loving. Being you, being me, Just being.

“I fall I shatter I together I fall. Again and again.

I admire, I admit, I adjust, I an addict.

I is senseless, I is selfish, I is stupid, I is romantic.

I can not, I can, anything, anytime. I am, I am not, sometimes hot sometimes not.

But I different. I unique. I contrast, I black and white.

I rebel, I can yell, I scream, Ice cream. Ooooooh ICE CREAM. Uhm *cough* I cant scream.

I is fine. Very fine. I define fine. Oooh fine fine, you see? Nevermind.

I laugh, I whine, I crying, and crying. I show, no hide.

I can fight, with might.

But, I different. I unique. I contrast, I black and white.

I freaky, I creepy, I is disgusting sometimes.

I scared, of I. But I fearless, look me in the I. Oh eye*

I is hero.

I is heroin, I is big drama queen.

But I is anti drama, cause I is the bruh, I is cool, right?

Cause I different. I unique. I contrast, I black and white.

I can love. I will, I shall, I did love.

I break too, but I fix up.

I love me though, I is love.

I is everything you dreamed of.

I is your love at first sight.

Cause I different.

I unique, I contrast.

I black and white.”

Love,

Fa

A letter to you

“Dear daughter,
Some things are just not meant to be.
You wont know it,
You cant see.
Not earlier,
Not in the beginning at least.
The beginnings are a piece of cake.
It’s all a joy.
Not forgetting, the memories you make.
Oh wait, well, that was funny,
I just realized,
Such memories are never forgotten,
No matter how much you try.
Teenage hormones, oh! What a pain in the…eyes.
Issues will come your way,
Differences too.
You might shoo them away
But in a day or two,
They’ll be right behind you.
Your heart might tell you,
“It’s all fine, he’s just right,
He’s a dreamboat,
Don’t resist, don’t fight.”
But don’t fall into this trap,
No, baby girl,
Don’t fall flat.
Spontaneity is good,
But not in matters like these.
Take the time and know your guy.
Know him from the inside.
Know what he likes and find out what he doesn’t like.
Cause in the end,
It needs to feel right.
Don’t judge things in the beginning,
The beginnings are a piece of cake.
Remember to let go, if it starts to break.
Cause some things are just not meant to be,
Take it from the 17 year old me.

-Mum”

-Fa

Under the ruler

DSC03517The sun was warm. Bright. It just sat there in one place and refused to move. Bloody couch potato. But it seemed to send out something. In tiny little packets. It called them sunshine. Those packets, those things, they gave people hope. Hope to live, to keep living, to move on and to leave the night behind. As the lazy sun rose, they would slowly come out on his orders and enliven everything present under the rule of the sun. They were like the good side of an antagonist. The water shimmered, glittered, performed on a bollywood song. They had perfect moves, subtle but powerful. With a tinge of tease to them. It was like, they had the whole world paying to watch them, and the tickets were probably even underrated. Vast variety of sand was, well, moody. First there were the dry and ruthless. Free and inspiring and beautiful, nevertheless. But a pair of feet would get ’em blisters all over if they were to try their luck there. Then a little ahead, a slight interest could be seen, maybe even a flirt. The feet found it cool and moist. Attractive and sexy is what one could call them. But then suddenly, a few steps ahead they turned into desperate clingy lumps. They’d envelope feet like it was now a part of them and they never want to let go. The waves tried, when they hit the shore after performing, they tried to push the feet away. Trying to protect the sand. The feet liked the feeling, every bit of it, all the attention from the sand. But they wanted to go now. They’re feet after all, they’re meant to wander. But the sand didn’t know that, did it? The sand was left there, damp, alone, again. Disheartened. Broken. It felt like it had holes. And it did. It felt empty without feet. It was craving to be complete. The ruthless and the sexy laughed. “Oh, you never learn, do you?” They said. But wait, wait! There was hope, it could see. It could see something majestic coming through. The waves. They were coming again. It could see the love the performer had for it. It was a wait longer than forever. But then, they met. It was beautiful. The teasing stopped, the performer turned into a charmer. The charmer was smooth now, no moves, only love. Just plain, simple, honest love. They seemed to be undivided. And there, in just those few moments, the sand was complete and the waves felt like themselves.

2.0

My world?
Filled with colours, yes it is.
Crimson, orange, yellow and hazzel.
Bright and happening are the days,
Life’s about the moment, I say.
Its something that defines me, maybe.
Fearless? Has to be
But I accept the darkness in me,
It has no limits, no boundries.
No walls that shall ever bind me.
I close my eyes and I let it erupt.
I feel the colours fading out,
I let it flow, the thoughts, oh my.
Let the artist in me be alive.
I Unleash the wild in myself.
Im content, you could see and tell.
I see a queen emerging though,
Walking, no, gliding through.
She’s graceful, she’s fearless too.
She’s no one but me. She is my Version 2.0.
-Fa

The Couch

DSC05721“And how did that feel?”

“Umm feel? I felt a lot of things. I felt powerful, I felt excited, I felt a rush, of extreme joy, I think. But then, after I did it I thought I was supposed to feel guilty. I tried. To feel guilty. But I couldn’t. It was like the part inside me that gives me the rush had erupted. I was overflowing. I wanted to run but I wanted to watch it happen too. Slowly, slowly. Bit by bit. Breath by breath. Her shorter, mine longer. My palms heating up inside the glove and there was just one drop of that sweat that slid down my back all the way from my neck, so seductively.
I stood there, in silence, in darkness, in the middle of the smoke from the chimneys. And when it was finally over, I wanted more. It was a first and I was already addicted. I controlled my thoughts. I really did, I tried.
I talked to myself, like Mama used to. I slapped myself, I even hit myself with the belt, exactly like she did, but I couldn’t seem to calm down. I needed that rush. Do you know what a ‘Need’ is? It’s like food, like water. Like vaccinations. Wait, you do take them everyday right? Mama gave them to me everyday. They hurt. But she said I needed them. That’s a need. I needed to do this again.
So I went down town again. In the middle of that silence, darkness and smoke. And I did it. Second time. But this time…
I used a knife.
I was bored of the gun. One shot and she was dead. No! I wanted a bigger rush. So she lay there in front of me. And I cut her open.”

“Stop”

“Why? Don’t you want to know more?”

“Skip these details!”

“But why? Are you scared? You can’t be scared of me! You’re supposed to fix me, aren’t you?
Are you scared of me?
I’m just a little boy.”

“You are a thirty-six year old man”

“Yes, I’m aware of my age. I don’t see your point?”

“But…”

“I’m just a little boy.”