Jackson (1993)

“Jackson,
23.4.1992. I held you so close to me. Closer than you ever were. In my arms, oh, the joy. It was the first time that I had tears of joy. You were fast asleep, only after crying and waking the whole clinic up at 3:01 AM. What kind of a human would I be, smiling and being joyful listening to you cry like that? So many emotions rushing through me at that moment, I still remember. Each one of them. But those, cannot, in any way, be compared to what you must be feeling now, reading this, and must have been feeling all these years.
I don’t expect you to understand.
It’s complicated.
Everything is messed up.
Baby, you, I don’t know how else to put this, but, you are my world, my everything. My greatest treasure, my most valued possession. You have no idea how difficult it is, for me…
To let you go.
I don’t expect you to understand.
But I hope, with all the power that I have, that you find this letter. That you find the honesty in me. That you trust me. I’m not right, baby, I know. I know.
But I’m not wrong either.
My inner demons have taken over me. I am no more the person you look up to. No more the person you would want as a… as a mother. And if I cant be a mother, I cant be anything else. I don’t want to be anything else.
I don’t expect you to understand.
But I want you to know, that no matter what, I’m always going to be with you, by your side, protecting you, but in a better place. You are my angel, you are strong, you are so strong. You were born a star. So sweet, so kind, so innocent, my sweetheart, I love you so much. I will always love you. No matter how much you might hate me.
I don’t expect you to understand.
But I had always imagined, how you would be, all grown up. How you would wave out to me for the last time on the first day of school. How you would ask me to check for monsters under not just your bed, but mine too. How you would bring you girlfriend home to meet me. How I could be at your graduation. How you’d be all suited up for your first job. How…
Well, I think you understand now. I mean I hope you do. But I don’t expect anything.
I don’t deserve it.
I’m not a bad person, son. I think it’s the situation that’s making it bad.
No, these are excuses. I must face reality. This is what I am now. I deserve to die. That’s what I deserve. But do you know what I don’t deserve?
I don’t deserve to be your mother.
I don’t. I’m sorry. I can’t do this. Goodbye son.
I will love you.
Forever and always.”

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